logah | Teleporting Blues [Open to Anybody*]

Kanaya was tending to her indoor plants when quite suddenly, from behind her, there came an odd ripply feeling and a sneeze. She whirled on the spot, water sloshing out of the flower-patterned watering can. "Jade?!"

Jade rubbed her nose - geez, she needed to stop sneezing so much - and just got her allergies under control when she heard her name. She whirled around, surprised to find herself standing inside now. More surprisingly was a familiar face. What were the odds?

"Um... hi, Kanaya! Fancy seeing you here, hehe..."

Kanaya remembered with a start that she was just in a T-shirt and panties. She froze, desire to cover herself conflicting with the desire to appear unruffled. The latter won out. She raised her perfectly groomed eyebrows at Jade, blush barely discernible on her (facial) cheeks. "I don't believe my presence should be considered unconventional as this apartment is my home and I'm liable to inhabit it at any given moment. The real conundrum is how exactly you've managed to assert your physical mass here without so much as a wayward knock on any of the multiple available entrances."

Kanaya wasn't sure why she was so certain Jade was really there and not some sort of apparition, but she didn't question her instincts.

She cleared her throat. "Would you like a drink while you construct or disclose your explanation?"

Edited 2016-05-03 02:37 (UTC)

"I don't know why I am here either! Though you have a very nice apartment, by the way. I like your flowers." Hopefully that would help appease Kanaya for her breaking and entering. Especially since Kanaya didn't exactly seem to be wearing any pants. Whoops!

"I just sneezed, and then suddenly I was in a forest? And then I sneezed again, and I was on a building. And then I sneezed again, and now I'm here. I don't know what it means! But it wasn't on purpose, I promise." A pause. "And some water would be nice, actually. My throat's feeling kind of dry after all that sneezing."

Kanaya nodded and strode to the kitchen to retrieve a glass, placing the watering can on the counter as she went. "I prefer my living spaces to contain a variety of greenery indoors and outdoors if feasible -- I find great satisfaction in monitoring their progress and catching sight of the colorful display of succulents and tropical plants alike when I return home from a long evening." She had carefully matched said colors with the deep red rug in the living room and the fabric on the walls.

She handed Jade the water and crossed her arms. "It is advisable that you determine a method of repression regarding your powers when their appearance or effect is less than convenient. Perhaps it was good fortune that transported you here, but the sudden manifestation of an allergy prone girl within the walls of a home belonging to a unsuspecting person unfamiliar with our situation and probably just attempting to enjoy their previously uneventful afternoon could prove problematic.

"It appears that everyone's abilities along with any urges inherent to their abilities have only grown more substantial over time." Or perhaps just my urges. She grimaced at the memory and the fact that Jade's presence violated her vow to not meet anyone alone for the time being. She shifted her weight back, meaning to keep her distance until their interaction was over. From the sound of it she'd been gone soon anyway.

Edited 2016-05-03 08:06 (UTC)

"Well, the teleporting is completely new," Jade admitted, gratefully taking the water and downing it as quickly as possible. It did wonders for her dry throat. "It isn't like I have been sneezing through other people's buildings for any longer than a minute or so! I will at least try and buy some allergy medication, even if I cannot figure out how to control the teleporting more actively."

Her nose scrunched up for a moment, but another sneeze didn't come just yet. She was safe. "What do you mean by urges, though? I haven't really had any urges. Other than the sneezing, I guess, but I'm not sure if that counts."

"That sounds like a sensible restraint while you acquire further knowledge of the inner workings of your abilities. Unless my memory fails me you perform some kind of science which I suspect will be an asset any evaluation you decide to execute."

Kanaya was smiling, feeling relatively comfortable in the situation despite her state of undress, when Jade asked the question. Fuck. She hadn't planned on spreading around knowledge of her more violent tendencies. "Um." She didn't know what to say, as terrible at lying as she'd always been. She was probably glowing more noticeably now too. "Well I just meant... how... hard it is resist the urge to utilize your powers for mundane routine tasks." She was grabbing at straws. "I have yet to do so but I suspect my luminescence will be convenient if it's ever necessary to explore the caliginous domain beneath my bed which seems to be home to only the errant dust bunny but you never know when they might conspire to plunder my nightstand for any number of five cent hairclips. I suspect that would be a transgression that I could simply not abide."

There. That wasn't too bad, was it? She searched for a different topic, her mind jumping from Jade's academic interests to the Skaia lab. "Have you managed to capitalize on an opportunity to examine the meteor that served as a catalyst for this chain of events?"

Jade wore a small contemplative frown as Kanaya talked about her urges to use her powers for mundane tasks. Jade couldn't say she had really felt the same urge - okay, maybe she used them in private a little, but her powers were just convenient! There was no reason to not use them when there was nobody who would see her. Right?

Regardless, Kanaya had shifted topics.

"I haven't been able to do a thorough examination myself," she explained. "I work in the lab next door, and they definitely aren't letting undergrads touch it! But I have asked the P.I. about what's happening. Apparently, it's made of a compound that they've never seen before, not even from other meteors! So they are trying to analyze its makeup and stuff, but they're having trouble. It isn't reacting in expected ways." A pause. "Which... I guess makes some sense, if it is magical? Anyways, as far as I know, none of the other researchers have developed any kind of powers like we have, so it's probably inert in that sense. But who knows?"

"It is interesting that proximity doesn't seem to denote much of how its effects have culminated, although I haven't heard of any supernatural incidents outside of Sburb city, although then again I don't a tendency to focus much on educating myself on current events. But in actuality and provided you become precise and deliberate enough with this newfound power you may be able to use it to your advantage to gain a closer inspection of the meteor beyond what access you've been granted... Would you like an additional glass of water?"

"That's true! The effects do seem to be tied to the city... I don't know what that means! There does seem to be a commonality between people getting powers and dreaming in one of the cities, though. So maybe..." Jade bites her lip as she thinks about this. "Maybe there is an area of effect, which encompasses the city, but only people with latent abilities have their powers activated? I don't know how that would affect the monsters, though."

She shrugged and set her now-empty glass down on a coaster she could see sitting out, and then looked around Kanaya's place a bit more. She couldn't help but be drawn to the flowers - she'd already complimented them, but clearly more compliments were in order.

"These flowers really are wonderful, though!" She said, leaning in to get a better look. "How do you keep them looking so healthy in an apartment? I considered growing some in my dorm, but I was worried I wouldn't be able to take good enough care of them..."

"I wonder... The only people I have encountered on Prospit are local -- oddly enough some of the people the group consists of only relocated here recently but it would be worth looking into if they dreamt in the kingdoms previous to their presence in Sburb. That may provide clarification for if the physical location truly is a hotspot for magical activity or if something innate in our subconsciouses has drawn us together."

Her serious expression morphed into a more fond one at Jade's question. "My father's predilection for indoor plants transferred to me by association and and therefore no living space feels appropriate without a variety of flora. In your case and under the conditions that an appropriate amount of sunlight enters your dorm I would recommend that you purchase a succulent, especially cacti." She came closer and pointed out one whose flowers Jane had turned blue. "They only require occasional moisture and plenty of sunshine."

"I think a succulent wouldn't be a bad idea! I could always put it in the windowsill and ah-" Jade scrunched her nose up, feeling that familiar tickle in the back of her sinuses. She closed her eyes and did her best to let the feeling pass, because at least with Kanaya she knew she was still in Sburb City.

The moment passed and she let out a sigh. "Whew! That was close! I almost-"

"ACHOO!"

And in a flash, Jade was gone.

Dave was having a nice lazy day around the apartment he and his brother had been gifted. He still didn't like the place but the massive high definition TV Feferi had attempted to placate him with was damn nice. Lounging in front of it on the couch in his boxers and binder, playing video games and enjoying the warm spring air coming in from the windows (they had more than one now!), he was decently content.

There seemed to be a disturbance in the air and a rather girly sneeze. Assuming it was his brother, he just deadpanned and uttered a simple, "Bless you."

Jade looked around the place she had found herself in after leaving Kanaya's - it was another apartment, though this one had considerably fewer plants, and considerably less Kanayas. Still, somebody had offered her a "bless you" so that meant she wasn't alone. She peered over the top of the couch, her eyes widening a bit when she saw a familiar face, even if it looked a little different without the shades.

"...Dave, is that you?"

What were the odds?

He audibly yelped when the familiar voice spoke up, ditching his game controller and diving for his shades. He scrambled to shove them on his face and get on his feet to face her. Shit. Shit. He hadn't told her he's trans yet. This was definitely not how he'd imagined it going. Relax, maybe she'll think it's just a weird tank-top or something, he told himself.

"The fuck are you doing here?" he blurted out, no anger in his tone, just surprise. "How did you get in?" He should really be used to large-haired girls appearing in his apartment uninvited with how Feferi kept showing up.

Jade knew what a binder looked like, but she was polite enough not to comment on it. Besides, she needed to explain herself, not try and get an explanation out of Dave! That would be completely rude of her!

"Well... I'm not really sure!" she said. "Whenever I sneeze, I end up going to some place totally different. I just left Kanaya's apartment, and now I'm in yours for some reason? It was a complete accident, I swear! I can't control where my sneezes take me." She bit on her lip for a moment. "Um, should I look away?" She didn't have any issues with seeing people in their underwear, but it was quite possible that Dave would did.

"Shit, you can teleport?" he gaped. "When did that become a thing? Just now?" His line of questioning got him distracted but then he looked down at himself. "Oh... Right. Hold on."

He jogged up to his room (god it was weird having his own room again) and yanked a shirt and jeans on. A quick glance in the mirror confirmed his hair was fine so he hurried back to meet his friend. "Uh, do you want anything? A drink? Feel free to sit down, the couch will still stab you but it's... Nevermind. Lucky you ended up here and not in like, jail or something."

"I guess I can teleport! I just haven't figured out how to control it yet." Jade shrugged and let him dash off to get dressed, spending some time looking around as he did. She had only the vaguest sense of why or how Dave moved into this place, but it made her glad to see it - it was much more inviting than his old place had been.

"I think I'm okay with drinks for now!" Jade assured him once he returned, scrunching her nose up again so that she didn't sneeze away again. Very carefully, she sat down on the couch, not settling in fully until she was sure that no springs were going to poke out at her. "Though if I had ended up in jail, I could have just sneezed and teleported somewhere else. But I'm glad I'm here instead. It's nice to see you!" She paired this with a big, buck toothed smile. "Though I'm sorry I didn't have time to warn you."

Dave settled on the couch beside her, fine with the springs jabbing his spine. He was accustomed to it. It was like an old friend giving him a hug... An old friend with too many knives in his jacket or something. He nodded slowly along with what she said, hiding his excitement. Maybe she'd be able to learn to teleport with other people too.

"Well try not to end up at the bottom of the ocean. No sneezing happening there," he suggested helpfully. "I can't say I mind you dropping in. Ever played Smash Bros? I've got a few extra remotes around, I could teach you."

Jade cocked her head to the side slightly. "Smash Bros?" she repeated. "No, I don't think I ever have! I've seen people talk about it, and I ran into people playing it on campus a lot, but I never really tried. I don't like fighting games as much."

Still, Dave seemed to like it, so she didn't want to dismiss it outright. "I can give it a try, though! I'm sure it's fun. Give me a remote! Or, wait-" She stuck her tongue out for a moment, and suddenly one of the nearby remotes flew into her hand. "Okay, I am ready to learn!"

He'd moved to find a second remote when one flew past him into Jade's hands. He couldn't help but grin like a giddy child. "That is so cool," he beamed. "You know every kid has that dream at some point, to be able to move things with their mind. Anyone who says they haven't tried at least once is lying. Focus on your sibling's ice cream, try to make it fly into your own hand by staring real hard at it."

Dave flopped back onto the couch on his usual side and patted Dirk's spot beside him for Jade to sit down. "Anyway, just hit 'A' on the controller, the big round one that says 'A', it'll connect you."

"Well, I didn't have any siblings with ice cream to steal!" Jade said. "But it is very convenient. I just can't use it as often as I'd like to, because most people would be freaking out about it."

Jade plopped herself down next to Dave and hit "A." She'd used a Wii before, so it wasn't as though she didn't know how to connect the remote, but Jade figured there was no reason to tell Dave that. If he wanted to explain it, then he was free to explain! "Okay! I am connected. How do I pick a character?"

"That's too bad, you are missing out," he said with a grin. "Stolen ice cream tastes the best." Mind you mostly he didn't steal it, Dirk just shared when he'd gone out with friends and Dave had stayed home.

"Sweet, hold it sideways," he instructed. "Use the d-pad to move around the screen and hit '2' to pick someone. I've got all the characters unlocked so no one's missing. This kid is mine, though." He selected Pit and cycled through his colour schemes until he got to the red one.

"Okay, I will not take your kid," Jade assured him, maneuvering with the D-pad to find her perfect character. The first few characters were a bit boring - she knew Mario and Luigi were classic characters, but she didn't want to play as them! Yoshi was a good backup if nothing else... Toon Link was cute... Palutena had pretty hair at least... And then she saw it. Her face lit up, and she immediately hit "2" to make her choice.

"I'll take him!"

Naturally, Jade had picked nobody other than Fox McCloud.

Dave withheld a groan as she unpredictably chose the furry. He knew her well enough to see that coming a mile off. It just so happened that Fox was his absolute least favourite character to ever grace the like of Smash Bros. Well, what could he do?

He gave her a rundown on how to play: the various attacks, items, and how to name her character. Then he chose an easy stage -- Final Destination -- so she wouldn't lose track of her character among a larger stage, and hit start.

Jade remembered playing Street Fighter in an arcade with some of the local kids back when she was little, and her knowledge from that informed her gameplay strategy here - button mash and hope for the best. What resulted was Fox crouching, shooting his weapon, shielding, punching a couple of times, then crouching again before doing a very elegant backflip off of the stage and into the shadowy abyss below.

Jade laughed as he hit the bottom of the screen and exploded, evidently having fun despite her incompetence. "Whoops! I didn't even get time to try one of the cool items!"

Feferi was back at her own house for once, enjoying the saline buoyancy of the filtered seawater that filled her main pool. If any of her neighbors had lived close enough to hear her they would have been rather irritated as she imitated whale song while floating peacefully on her back. Given her propensity for venturing from pool by the house then down to the ocean and then back, Feferi rarely indulged in skinny dipping even in the relative privacy of her own pool (fortunately, as she would soon see).

The pool was clear ocean water, still chock full of salt, but cleaned of sand and creatures. The walls were dark stone and there were no steps or ladders in or out of the main section which plunged down ten feet from edge to edge so Fef could practice her freediving. To escape you had to climb out using the side, or swim toward the house and under the wall and emerge in any number of interior rooms. She had invited the sea into her home.

Private beaches, after all, nestled beside other ones and building high walls was nothing if not impractical.

With her ears submerged as she floated on her back, paddling lazily, she missed the sneeze, but the yelp and the splash caught her attention.

Feferi popped upright, treading water as she looked around in surprise as the sloshing ripples rocked her. "Glub??" she said aloud, trying to figure out what had happened.

Dave had been joking when he said not to teleport into the ocean, and yet as Jade sneezed away from his apartment, that was exactly what seemed to happen. Despite her space powers, Jade could not yet fly, and so she landed in the salt water with a loud yelp and a splash. It took her a few moments to get everything straight, and there was a lot of frantic splashing around before she finally got her bearings and managed to tread water.

She spit out some water with a "blech!" sound and then looked around. Much to her surprise, she was in a pool rather than the ocean - she knew that salt water pools existed, dimly, but she never thought she'd find herself in one! Either way, she needed to get out before she got too drenched, and so she began paddling to the edge of the pool, oblivious to Feferi's presence for the time being.

"Oooh, I hope my phone is going to work after this!"

Feferi had retreated into the shadowy part of the pool when Jade burst to the surface. As much as Feferi got along with the other girl, having someone actually at her (ridiculous) house who wasn't Eridan set off alarm bells.

To buy time she dove under the surface, gliding along and watching Jade's progress to the side. The water wrapped around her and helped her resist her own buoyancy.

When Jade got near the edge, Feferi judged the time to be right (and that the odds of Jade vanishing before she figured out whose house it was to be slim to none anyway) she popped up next to her. "Hi Jade!! Where did you come from??"

Jade screamed when Feferi suddenly popped up next to her, causing her to flail and sink under the water before she got control of her limbs again. She forced herself to grab onto the edge of the pool, spitting out salt water as she looked at the other girl.

"Feferi?" she asked, a little incredulously. "Why are you here?" But really, the answer to that was obvious almost as soon as she said it, so Jade amended her question: "Is this your pool?"

Feferi glubbed in alarm as Jade sank. She screwed up her face and the water around Jade gripped her gently and pushed her upward. A fist of water gently set Jade on the ground beside the pool and flowed back into the water.

Fef propped her arms and chin on the edge of the pool, watching Jade with concern. "Yes!! You are... actually the second person apart from Eridan to sea my home... of the heroes... Welcome!!" she said a little sheepishly. She lived in a sprawling house with sleek modern lines that just screamed extravagant wealth.

"I guess the betta question is water YOU doing here??" Feferi asked, watching Jade curiously, though part of her concentration was attempting to pull water out of Jade's sodden clothes.

Jade thought to ask how on earth a bunch of water had just lifted her out of the pool and then set her down, but she quickly deduced the reason. They all had powers, and obviously this was one of Feferi's.

"Well... I'm not really sure why I'm here, specifically," Jade explained, speaking a bit slowly to give her time to figure out her next words. "But I think I unlocked a new power or something! Whenever I sneeze, I go to a new place, but I haven't really figured out how to control it yet. So here I am!"

"That sounds.... confusing!!!" Feferi said, watching the puddle that kept forming around Jade flow steadily back into the pool with some satisfaction.

"Sorry you fell in the pool!! Do you want.. a change of clothes or somefin? You probably otter not be in soaking wet clothes for very long? Don't want you to get sick!! ...Or sicker??"

Feferi grinned sheepishly. So you've got... telekinesis and now teleportation?"

"It is confusing! I need to try and get the hang of it, but so far I'm not having much luck..." Jade let out a sigh, then stood up. "And I'm not sick right now. I just have allergies because of the time of the year. All of that pollen can make a nose really itchy, you know?"

She grabbed a strand of hair and twisted it in order to try and wring the water out of it. Having so much hair was inconvenient sometimes - it acted like a sponge! "And yes, it seems like it! Though I need to get the teleportation under control before I'd really call it a power. And... a change of clothes would be nice, but I'm a little scared of sneezing in the middle of changing."

It was one thing to pop up in somebody's house unannounced. It was another thing to do so completely naked.

"Hmm, whale would you like a towel perhaps?? It doesn't seem great to be soaking wet if you are 'porting all over creation!!!!" Feferi said, pushing off from the wall and treading water as she awaited Jade's response.

Fef rarely bothered with pool towels, generally going straight from here to a bathroom and taking a shower to wash off the salt, but the sprawling place had more than abundant resources.

"Glub that power sounds REELY inconvenient if you can't control it!!!!!!! Or I guess ability if you aren't calling it a power yet? Do you fin eel get a handle on it?"

"I certainly hope so! I mean, it has to have something to do with sneezes, right? Maybe its something about the sinus cavity or the velocity of air..."

As Jade considered the scientific possibilities, her gaze slowly fell to her soaked clothes, and then back up at Feferi with a somewhat sheepish expression. "A towel would be great, actually. Thank you!"

"Ok!!! Isle be right back, just give me two shakes of a fish tail and you'll have a towel!" Feferi said cheerfully, ducking under the surface. She streaked away through the water under the wall of the house.

Soon enough she came trotting out of the back door with a trail of water, carrying several dry towels. "Jade!! Are you still here?"

Vriska shuffled blindly out of the shower, grabbing for her glasses and a towel resting on the nearby counter. After drying off and wrapping her hair in a towel, Vriska pulled on some comfy pajamas: shorts patterned with cute little spiders and a loose fitting tank top. She was content to leave the injury to her chest unbandaged in the privacy of her soon to be vacated abode. Thanks to some very liberally applied aloe vera it was already beginning to look more passably like a bad sunburn than the ill effects of clashing with a super-powered bee-freak.

She gathered up some of the laundry scattered around her bedroom and bathroom floor into a basket, not quite able to distinguish the clean from the dirty, and headed with the basket to her small in-unit washer and dryer. She had just finished loading the washer when she heard the sneeze.

She spun around to face the hallway, armed with a bottle of detergent and ill intent. "Who's there?! How did you get in here? Helen I swear to god if that's you I'm calling the cops! I still have a whole day left before I have to leave!!!!!!!!"

Jade blinked around her next destination - yet another apartment, though this one smaller and not quite as well-kept as Dave's or Kanaya's. Jade wondered just for a moment who lived here - before she heard a voice. She cringed.

Why, of everybody she knew, did she have to drop in on Vriska?

Jade put on her best "don't mess with me," expression and poked her head out from the other side of the hallway. "Vriska, do you have any pepper or a feather I could use?" she asked, her voice just pushing the boundaries of polite. "Believe me, I want out of here as much as you want me out of here!"

That wasn't Helen... But Vriska knew that voice.

"Jade? What the hell are you doing in my house?!" Vriska approached her, lowering the detergent... for now. "Why did you come all the way here to borrow pepper and feathers? From ME of all people? Don't you have like, baking soda volcanoes to go make or something nerd?" Vriska sneered. She hoped reducing her lab tests to science fair grade projects would draw an entertaining reaction.

"Hey wait. Wasn't my door locked?"

A growl built up at the back of Jade's throat, but she tried to restrain herself. Vriska was just trying to get a rise out of her - and she knew that! So she needed to keep calm so that she could sneeze and get out of here...

"The projects I'm working on are way more complicated than baking soda volcanoes! Depending on our results, we could change the whole way that people look at physics-"

Well, she'd tried. Jade shook her head, trying to redirect her thoughts back to the important thing here.

"Anyways, I teleported in by accident! If you could just give me something so I can sneeze, I will be gone, okay? So just try and cooperate for once!"

"Oooh, did I hit a nerve Bill Nye?" Vriska taunted. Jade was soooooooo much fun to pick on. "Wouldn't want your potato-powered clock to blow a fuse or anything."

Vriska raised an eyebrow. Jade can teleport now? Interesting. "Physics nerd says she can teleport, huh? Isn't that, oh, I dunno... scientifically impossible? Where's your lab report on unicorns? Is your thesis on magic, too?" Vriska was well aware that Jade was likely telling the truth about her power, but it was too tempting to resist belittling her further. Maybe she'd even get a demonstration of Jade's abilities if she kept pushing her buttons.Or pushed her. Literally.

Vriksa eyed Jade threateningly, readying herself to trip the bespectacled bean pole.
"Where's your scientific method now, huh?!" Vriska teased, giving Jade a shove.

Jade growled this time - she really couldn't help herself - but she just managed to get herself under control. Oh, Vriska wanted the scientific method, did she?

"Hypothesis!" Jade declared, stepping back to give her some room and to keep Vriska from shoving her again. She cast a glance around the room, and her eyes landed on an eight-ball. "If I hit test subject with an eight ball, she will squawk and clutch at her head like the moronic fuckwad she is!"

"Materials! One eight ball and one test subject, who needs to shut her stupid asshole mouth about things she doesn't know about." With a flick of her hand, an eightball from the floor hovered behind Vriska, ready to be deployed.

"Method! Use my very scientific powers to knock test subject in the back of the head with the eight ball. Results will be obtained through audio-visual observation from a distance of," she glanced at the ground to get a rough estimate, "a meter and a half."

With that said, the ball launched itself at the back of Vriska's head as fast as Jade could move it. Jade kept a close eye out, ready to declare her "Results" and "Conclusions" as soon as she got a reaction out of the other girl.

Vriska scoffed at Jade as she made her speech. "Are you really reciting the scientific method at me right now? Really?" But she had spoken too soon. Looming ominously behind her was her (not so) trusty magic eight ball, ready to be deployed directly at the back of her head by her nerdy adversary.

The eight ball smacked into the back of Vriska's head with a hollow thunk, much like that of a ripe watermelon.. "WHAT THE FUCK JADE????????" Vriska did indeed squawk, and reached a hand gingerly to the back of her head to caress the now-forming knot.

The ball rolled a short ways after bouncing across the floor merrily. As many times as Vriska had cursed at the novelty toy, it probably felt about as vindicated as a cheap plastic fortune teller could.

"Results!" Jade declared, triumphantly. "The test subject did indeed squawk like a moron, confirming my hypothesis! Conclu-" Jade's nose wrinkled up. She could feel another sneeze coming on. Suddenly she didn't want to leave. She needed to get the last word in!

"Conclusion!" she tried again. "The test subject, Vriska Serket, is a- a- A-CHOO!!"

And then, just like that, Jade was gone again.

Teleporting Blues [Open to Anybody*]

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Kanaya Advises Repression as a Healthy Way of Life

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Finally, someone wearing clothes.

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Vriska: 8e cooper8tive... PSYCHE!

Here's your scientific method

Squawk like a moronic fuckwad and clutch your head ====>

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