logah | my caffeine machine :'( - w4m w4w w4t (Skaia University Suburbs)

Dirk hadn't spent much time on Craigslist since Feferi had started covering his rent, but he still occasionally browsed the listings. It often provided him with an easy way to make money. When he came across someone in desperate need of a simple repair, he wasted no time before sending them a message.

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]

TT: I'll get right to the point.
TT: I can fix your coffee maker.
TT: The bathrobe isn't necessary.
TT:
TT: Shit.
TT: That's not what I meant.

Edited 2016-06-17 14:30 (UTC)

Admittedly, the timeliness of the reply she received wasn't something Roxy had been expecting in the least: rather, she had been prepared to wade through a veritable shitstorm of straight dudes with neckbeards trying to proposition the literal FUCK out of her.

Having someone who claimed that he could fix her beloved coffee maker ("he" being a confirmed thing from a quick background check) had Roxy scrambling to take the post down and reply right away.

TG: well
TG: welly well well
TG: folds my virtual hands n gets rockin in front of my virtual fireplace
TG: sippin delicately from the wine glass of eggnog on the side table
TG: w e l l
TG: if thats how u wanna play it i aint complainin ;)
TG: pls we can be familiar w each other
TG: esp when were goin sans frilly bathrobes
TG: whats the earliest time u can come over
TG: i will leave my door unlocked
TG: (and my cravat on)

Edited 2016-06-17 17:14 (UTC)

TT: Right.
TT: I'll just be.
TT: Sippin' delicately from the wine glass of orange soda on my side table.
TT: Keepin' it far away from your caffeine machine.
TT: Don't want that shit gummin' up the works.
TT:
TT:
TT: You didn't pour eggnog on it, did you?
TT:
TT:
TT: I hate to disappoint you, but my frilly bathrobe is in the wash.
TT: Guess we'll have to put that on hold.
TT: I can come now.
TT: But it's probably not safe to leave your door unlocked.
TT: I'll knock.

TG: thank u for the thoughtfulness in keepin the sugar caff away from my bean caff
TG: i mean SHIT the kinda bullfuckery that comes from contaminatin the two strains is how you get freakazoids pourin monster in2 their daily cup of java from the good ol hipster capital
TG: humanity wasnt meant 2 become that powerful
TG: the fallouts comparable to bethesdas title of the same name or the inevitable heat death of the universe
TG: or just the poor saps in question fast forwardin so far they can feel the shard fragments of their bones gettin swallowed up by our dear ol sol
TG: talk abt plasma donation
TG:
TG:
TG: NO omfg
TG: look the blonde may be natural but lemme get u up and educated on some shit
TG: you ready to earn ur first bachelors of the season
TG: bc im ur good old prof schoolin you on what ur thesis is supposed 2 b
TG: just bc im a FUCKIN GENIUS WHIZZ dont mean that i traded in my common sense so luci could grant me the materials to make significant advancements in understandin the domestic feline genome
TG: besides eggnog is totes nasty
TG: its like swallowin down the direct jizz from a cow
TG: i did what any normal person would do and poured cream down the filter to clean it
TG: duh
TG:
TG:
TG: lookit all these spaces i gotta send forth 2 match up w your messages
TG: ^were twinsies
TG: if its b/w you flashin the general public your sweet ass + gettin arrested for blindin the public w the light bouncin off ur chiseled glutes
TG: vs actually gettin here w enough haste to get me my own personal java hut up + runnin
TG: i guess i gotta take 1 for the team and lend u the bathrobe
TG: WINKS in2 eternity

TT: The last thing the world needs is super powered hipsters.
TT: I'll keep my orange soda far away from your sacred machine.
TT: Don't worry.

TT: That.
TT: Really isn't how coffee machines work.

TT: Hey.
TT: I ask that you reserve judgement on my sweet ass until you've actually seen it.
TT: My plush rump deserves an in person meeting before any opinions are shared.

TT: Send me your address and I'll be over soon.

TG: like they aint already sufferin from a bloated amount of power
TG: cmon ur breakin my heart here tt
TG: i know youve seen the starbucks litterin every corner in2 eternity
TG: even if youre legally BLIND it aint like the awareness of em stops bein a thing

TG: ok see thats what we refer to around here as a JOKE
TG: obv i just poured down boilin water to make my sweet bean juice
TG: it aint like i got an overwhelmin amount of time to just spend indiscriminately twiddlin my thumbs waitin for the damn thing to WORK

TG: ur sweet ass uncovered by any manner of loungin article ;)
TG: ill try 2 keep my expectations on the down low so i dont scare your behind off b4 its got the chance to butt into my biz

TG: 6364 falls drive
TG: are you powerful enuff 2 overcome the dredges of SUBURBIA for the promise of some sweet cash (+ additionally equally saccharine foxy babe)

Edited 2016-06-17 19:06 (UTC)

TT: I think I'll survive.
TT: Unless you're secretly a soccer mom planning to have your wicked way with me in the back of your minivan.
TT: I'm not prepared for a cougar attack.

TT: I'll be there soon.

--

It didn't actually take long to find Roxy's place, and no soccer moms assaulted him on the way in. With a bag of supplies slung over his shoulder, he made his way up to her door. Fixing a coffee machine should be a quick and easy job, and $50 for ten minutes of work wasn't bad. He knocked loudly on the door and waited for her to answer.

Edited 2016-06-19 20:45 (UTC)

Admittedly, Roxy hadn't had time to switch into the scandalous article trimmed with fur that she had promised in the ad, but the fluffy thing was in sight—being that she had draped it on the coat hanger by the front door. Rather than donning anything equally as lascivious, she was forced into her regular old lab coat thanks to some last-minute fiddling with the specimens she had strapped into her microscopes down in the basement.

Well, whatever. Savvy woman scientist was a damn good look on her. Her confidence kept her relaxed as she opened the door, a grin already cracking as she looked at the guy who had arrived. Everything seemed to check out so far (even if she was a little suspicious of that bag; but, well, one of her rifles was currently hanging out in her kitchen hidden like one of those shitty "Find the Objects!" pictures, so she wasn't too worried).

"Hey!" Her teeth practically gleamed in the sunlight of the world outside, her face lit up like she was witnessing the second coming of a zombified religious figure or just welcoming in a friend. "Considerin' the lack of clipboard and car emblazoned with some totes obnox company name, I'm gonna make a wild gesticulation here and guess you're the dude I hired. Unless you're one of those collectors who tracked me down to purchase a Pointed Wizard's Hat, in which case I don't got any kittens for sale ATM, buuuut Circe is due in another month or two. You def got that glint playin' 'cross your weebitude that speaks of a man scopin' out his mission to cash in on some SWEET LOOTS, so I'm gonna go ahead and let you inside."

With that, Roxy stepped aside from the door and turned on her heel, leaving Dirk to follow. Though she did call out over her shoulder, "Uniform provided to your left! If you skip out on wearin' that sweet bathrobe, IDK what kind of person you are."

(What? No. You are not putting on that ridiculous thing. It would ruin your image.)

This girl was a strange mix of Dave and Feferi, and Dirk wasn't sure how to feel about that. (Okay, Dave and Feferi were his two favourite people, so that gave Roxy extra points in his book.) He followed her into the apartment, ignoring the bathrobe hanging by the door.

"I'm not here to buy a kitten." He replied. The last thing they needed was a cat. (Cats typically didn't like him. Birds, however...) "I'm Dirk. I'm here to fix your coffee machine."

She obviously knew that, since she'd offered him a "uniform", but he felt the need to clarify. He followed her into the kitchen, giving her a quick once over as he did so. He wondered if she was some sort of scientist or doctor, or if she just liked wearing the lab coat. He didn't say anything more as he made his way over to her coffee machine and immediately got to work, tearing it apart deftly to see what the problem was.

"You skipped out on the bathrobe, too." He pointed out to her, his words muffled around the tiny screwdriver he was holding in his mouth. "Guess that makes us the same kind of person."

Hoooo boy. Objectively there were nice things about every ass, but getting to see one kind of just jutting out all impudently and stuff while the dude went about his work was pretty much the best way that her Thursday morning could start. Hopping up onto the counter, Roxy snatched her half-finished cup of soy milk into hand to sip at it delicately, one long leg crossed over the other as she watched him.

"Y'know, one of the breed traits of these guys're that they're obnoxiously friendly. I got like, at least three sleepin' on me every night while the rest of 'em pack around my body like a convulsin', furry space heater." And it was fucking HEAVENLY.

"The lab coat's a uniform all of its own kind. Besides, WHO was the one who said it wasn't NECESSARY for me to be wearin' somethin'?" Granted, he wasn't looking at her, but she could wink anyway. It certainly carried over into her tone. "Now here we are, sittin' around like a couple of scandalous bums without proper attire coverin' up our smooth limbs."

Amidst the veritable word vomit, something strange began to happen. It started slowly, not unlike a couple of metaphors comparing sleeping to love; they were silent creatures, after all, and they slunk in without nary a peep. Without a whisper, Dirk was soon surrounded, the creatures perching on every available surface to watch the stranger who had impeded on their domain.

The meowcats had emerged.

Dirk had started to sniffle almost as soon as he'd entered Roxy's apartment, but he'd brushed it off as nothing. However, the more time he'd spent there, the worse it became. He rubbed his eyes absentmindedly under his shades. Ugh, why were they starting to itch?

"I'll make sure to wear a trench coat if I'm ever here again." He assured her, not looking up from where he had the coffee machine mostly dismantled. He was wrapped up in his work, and didn't notice the approaching meowcats until one reached out and batted at the screwdriver tucked into the corner of his mouth. He glanced sidelong at it, as another rubbed up against his legs.

When he looked up from his work, he noticed there were several cats watching him work. It was a little unnerving, but more than that, the closer they got, the more his eyes started to itch. One of the cats stood on it's back legs, it's front paws braced against Dirk's shoulders, and rubbed it's little face against his. He thought it might have been cute, if it hadn't caused him to sneeze. Disgruntled, the cat meowed and retreated to Roxy's side for safety.

"Sorry-" He grumbled to himself, rubbing at his nose with the back of his hand. Deciding to ignore the cats, he turned back to his work.

"This thing is a piece of junk-" He complained as he started cleaning individual pieces and carefully putting them back together. He rubbed at his eyes again with one hand. "I didn't get your name."

Oh, uh. Jeez. Was he alright over there? Once Meowgris retreated to Roxy's side after the sneeze, she was instantly suspicious of the state of Dirk's immune system. As another cat began the painstaking process of climbing up the backs of his pants and shirt so it might claim a perch on Dirk's head, Roxy was in action, Meowgris clinging to one of her shoulders.

"Yeah, y'might wanna take a pass on the trench coat and invest in a hazmat suit instead baby," Roxy retorted, ducking out into the hallway for a moment to pop into the bathroom. The Benadryl was always within easy reach for occasions such as this, on account of the number of friends that spontaneously developed cat allergies after entering her house; after the bottle was procured (along with a wad of tissues) she returned to the kitchen just in time to hear Dirk's complaints and question.

"What, you tellin' me that I ain't a recognizable character straight out of your dreams?" She winked again, but busied herself with popping the top off of the Benadryl. Shaking out two of the bright pink pills, she offered them over, her extended hand suffering from a cat (looked like Morgan) bumping their head into it. "Swallow, don't spit. The name's Roxy, BTW; if that's too hard to remember or long or somethin', you can shorten it on down to Rox or Rolal or whatev's easiest for you to remember after dark."

Dude seemed to be losing his cool a bit; the cats could be an overwhelming force, after all. Sympathetic, Roxy used her free hand to open the fridge and reach into it, pulling out one of the many pretentious water bottles that she kept on hand specifically for hydrating the cats. She wasn't sure when she had become the kind of person who considered tap not good enough for the Snookums or visitors, but life had a funny way of twisting on her.

Edited 2016-06-20 19:06 (UTC)

He had both hands shoved inside the coffee machine and he didn't look up when Roxy returned. There were a few loose wires, and he needed both hands to reach them, but it was a tight fit. He finally managed to reconnect the wires, and emerged with a triumphant little smile, only to find Roxy standing much closer than he remembered, and a furry face rubbing against his cheek.

Dirk frowned, confused as he tried to catch up. He tended to space out while he was working, and it sometimes took him long moments to recover. "Why are you offerin' me drugs?"

The cat on his shoulder dug it's claws in as it shifted, and Dirk hissed. "Ow- Would you get off?" He muttered, but the animal just rubbed more insistently against his cheek, purring lowly. When he sneezed again, the cat startled and jumped onto the counter, giving him a look he could only describe as annoyed.

"'Cause after the Benadryl knocks you out, I'm totes plannin' on lockin' you in a tower for 100 years til some hot tater tot comes along to awaken you with a kiss born out of some real ill-placed somnophilia." Roxy rolled her eyes before brandishing both water bottle and Benadryl again. "Do I LOOK like I've got some sweet fairy tale magic powers stuffed into the cuttin' angles of this coat? NO."

(The pumpkin patch outside would contest this fact. Roxy staunchly ignored its existence, as she always did.)

"It seems to me that you're sufferin' from an acute case of bein' allergic to furries. A goddamn TRAGEDY, but it ain't life-threatenin' unless you're huge enough a dumbass to let it progress into anaphylaxis. Which is what the Benadryl is for." Roxy leaned on the counter, flicking her chin so her bangs revealed her raised brows. "Unless you WANT me to drive you to the hospital for emergency care? Call me a bleedin' heart, but I don't want the hot dude I just met to kick the bucket just 'cause he didn't know he was allergic to his fellow mammals."

Oh. It was just bendadryl. For the cat allergy he apparently didn't know about until this moment.

"Oh. Right." He accepted the water and pills with an apologetic smile. He really needed to remember not to space out around relative strangers. He down the pills along with half the bottle of water. (He didn't make a face at the taste, but he wanted to. Why did bottled water always taste so weird?)

"You sayin' you're gonna watch over me like some fuzzy pink dragon?" He asked, finally catching up with what she'd said before. "Don't worry about me. I got myself a knight in ironic armor and a water witch at home."

And they'd rescued him once before.

A tiny knot of tension released in Roxy's gut; she hadn't realized at first how much his assumption had shaken her. Occupational hazards of being a reborn straightedge, she guessed. At least they were clear on her intent now.

Habit made sure that she observed him swallowing to make sure that the pills actually went down; animals could be pretty sneaky about hiding things in their mouth instead of pulling the medicine down their esophagus.

Dirk wasn't an animal, though. Roxy raised her hand to pat at Meowgris, who continued purring along in her ear. "Shit, yeah. If we're mismatchin' legends to THAT extent, then why don't I steal from some fuckin' selkies and make the bathrobe my skin? While everyone's busy lookin' for a great big beast, here I am runnin' around without the hide on to keep my guardianship on the down low."

Cracking a grin, Roxy lifted her chin up, amusement in her voice. "Considerin' the fact that you totes almost just died to my cats here, I'm thinkin' the amount of lookin' after you actually need is higher than you were previously understandin' it to be."

Dirk rolled his eyes behind his shades as he set his water bottle down on the counter. He turned back to the coffee machine, which was now mostly reassembled, and got back to work.

"I never had a pet." He told her with a shrug. "How was I supposed to know I'm allergic to them?"

He gently nudged another cat out of the way when it came closer to inspect what he was doing. The rest of the assembly was slow going, as several more cats came to investigate one by one, but eventually he finished.

"That should do it." He told Roxy, turning to face her again. "Give it a shot."

The fact that he hadn't been aware implied more than just a lack of pets in his household growing up; plenty of households with kids had their young charges being reared alongside a beloved pet of some sort, and for Dirk to have apparently not visited any at such length that he would pick up on a pattern of sniffling was telling.

No point in saying anything about it, though.

Rather, Roxy set Meowgris upon the counter (she had long since given up trying to train the cats out of perching up there) and grabbed the coffee grounds on top of the fridge. Whether or not this drew Dirk's attention to the rifle just kind of chilling out there, Roxy couldn't say; rather, she hip-bumped him out of the way of her caffeine machine to begin scooping and leveling. After closing it back up and pressing the button, it seemed in place.

Marveling, Roxy said, "Damn. If that ain't a fifty dollar job, I'm gonna have to call up the bank and have 'em reevaluate the state of the economy at wide. Thanks to the sign you gave 'em, we're avertin' another crash in favor of readjustin' inflation. Talk about modern-day superheroes."

Dirk had actually noticed the gun when he'd first walked into the kitchen, but he'd ignored it then and he was ignoring it again as Roxy reached for the coffee on top. He and Dave had swords mounted on their wall. A rifle didn't seem too out of place to him.

He watched as she pressed start on the machine, making sure it was actually doing it's job. Satisfied that it was, he started to pack up his things.

"Don't mention it. What kind of superhero would I be if I didn't help a damsel in distress? Caffeine withdrawals are nothing to joke about."

He already had plans to replace her entire coffee machine (the one she was using was a piece of junk, and just looking at it disappointed him), but he didn't mention it. He'd surprise her with it when it was done. Maybe Feferi would deliver it for him...

Dirk slung his bag over his shoulder and, carefully stepping around the cats, made his way back to the front door. "If you need help with anythin' else, you have my pesterchum."

Roxy tailed after him as he slipped on by; with the bathrobe snagged in hand, she was quick to slide the garment around the strap of his bag, leaving it to secretly dangle in all its pink, fluffy glory. Whether or not he returned it, at least she wouldn't have to deal with her cats trying to attack the hem.

"And if I ain't mistaken, you're also totin' the possession of mine around on whatever device you got that connects with messagin'." Roxy kept a close eye to make sure no cats ran outside, and ended up crowding the crack of the front door with her leg to make sure no curious heads popped out while she saw Dirk off.

"If you wanna come back and test your immunity against the cats any time, you're welcome to." Roxy leaned against the door frame, giving him a grin as she raised a hand. "Seriously, don't be a stranger! I'm sure we've got more mysterious things in common than a disdain for broken coffee makers." With another wave, Roxy ducked back into her house, carefully battling friendly cats all the way.

my caffeine machine :'( - w4m w4w w4t (Skaia University Suburbs) | Closed to Dirk

Dirk: Help

Re: Dirk: Help

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Dirk: this girl is worse than dave when he gets going

==> Roxy: The flirting train don't stop.

Dirk: provide assistance

Roxy: Answer the door already!

Dirk: Put on the Bathrobe

Roxy: Check out that plush rump.

Dirk: sniffle

Roxy: Provide assistance.

Dirk: ??

Roxy: How does a dude go his whole life without knowing he's allergic to goddamn CATS.

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Roxy: Sip on some sweet java.

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